There are many misconceptions about midlife. Midlife is often parodied as an archetypal representation of an older person trying to capture their youth, fitting into jeans that are just that tiny bit too snug, running off into the sunset with a much younger lover, or an obsession with raves in the desert. Midlife almost always seems to go wrong. Marriages implode, boredom sets in, dramatic changes happen, lives are disrupted and a while later regret seeps in and the fallout is severe. This is what I call the adult rebellion at midlife, commonly known as a midlife crisis.
I have researched midlife extensively; it’s the subject of my Doctorate. For years, I saw a number of clients in my practice, who were undergoing major transformations. I began to see that they fitted a pattern. Adults, between the ages of 35 and 70, who are struggling with change, direction, relationships, marriages, career and life choices, loneliness and isolation. It was evident that my clients were ill-equipped to navigate these changes and the archetypal midlife crisis loomed large on the horizon. People were making bad choices, they felt isolated and deeply confused. Yet, a strong theme with all these clients was their desire for change. Even when they weren’t aware they wanted change.
Midlife is not limited to retirement age, menopause, or getting older. It can show up any time, depending on how full your life has been. For example, you may have crammed a lot of experiences into your life, had more life/career experiences at 35 than someone at 55. Often, a life event happens that pre-empts an inner questioning. There is often a voice of disquiet that shows up, leaving you wondering what’s next, why you aren’t happy. The question I often get asked by midlifers -“Is this all there is to life?” You question your career choices, life choices, relationships, maybe you question one of these or all of these. Or the circuitous road into existential reflection, what is this all about? What legacy am I leaving? My children have left home, who am I? What does my marriage look like? Why am I single/divorced/ lonely?
I have had clients make dramatic career choices, as dramatic as from banker in the city to baker in a French village. That change ended well and yes, it was as romantic as it sounds. Midlife can be fertile ground for change, it’s all about how you make these changes, how well you listen to your inner voice. Have you ever listened?
The temptation is to make dramatic changes, and herein lies the crisis point and what I call the adult rebellion. Do you change everything you know and discard everything you have learnt thus far? Do you totally discard one life for another?
There is a way to navigate midlife without self-destructing or self-sabotage. Change is inevitably disruptive, and all change brings with it new energy and patterns. The key to all of this is how to navigate these changes. What changes to make? How to make them? How to have the courage to make changes.
Midlife has been stereotyped and negatively perceived. Yet it’s a healthy adult developmental phase. My work in this area is helping to reshape the narrative around midlife. There IS a positive route through midlife, where it’s possible to integrate your accumulated wisdom and life skills, and still make relevant and not destructive choices. It may seem obvious, but even as adults at midlife, we are still learning about ourselves, we don’t know it all; despite thinking we should have it all together. Feeling stuck or in crisis is a strong indicator that you need to reassess, not self-destruct with irrational choices. That voice of disquiet? It’s your biggest impetus, your true north. You need to learn to understand your inner voice, unpack your disquiet. It may not be showing up as disquiet for you, it may be rage or even sadness. Reaching midlife has the added bonus of life experience, learning how to use your life experiences and wisdom to live a better, fuller, richer and deeper life. This is the holy grail of transcendence at midlife
