A life shaped by women
As a therapist, coach and author, my work has always revolved around understanding the complex and beautiful world of relationships. But long before I ever sat across from a client, long before I put pen to paper for Letters to Her, I was shaped by the women in my life – my daughters, my clients and, most profoundly, my late wife, Alicia.
Alicia was my anchor, my mirror and my greatest teacher in love. She taught me about the depth of a woman’s heart, the strength hidden within softness and the way love isn’t just about passion – it’s about presence. When cancer took her, I wasn’t just grieving my wife; I was grieving the future we had envisioned, the moments stolen from us and the guidance she would have given our daughters as they grew into young women.
Losing Alicia left a wound, one that time doesn’t necessarily heal but instead reshapes. In raising our daughters – Luca, Kyla, and Sadie – I found myself standing at a crossroads. How could I raise them to understand love, trust men and feel safe in a world where the one woman I trusted most was gone? That question led me deeper into my work, not just as a therapist, but as a man seeking to bridge the divide between masculine and feminine, between understanding and misunderstanding.
Slowly, after two years or so acceptance and gratitude for this new life and the past allowed my heart to be anchored once again in a place of purpose and love.
Through years of working with women, I saw a pattern. Many felt unseen by men. Many longed for love but felt disconnected from it. And many men, despite their best efforts, didn’t know how to truly love a woman in the way she needed.
That’s why I wrote Letters to Her – not as a guidebook, but as a bridge. A collection of letters from men to the women they love, reveals the truths we rarely say out loud. This book is about healing, understanding and creating the kind of love that both men and women crave. Through my intensive sessions of about 30 men, their needs, pleas and desires are expressed in each one of the letters. The book took two years to write and each letter required a shift in my normal day-to-day state. This is because I wanted to capture the romance, the longing and the passion of love for the reader. The concept of letters was used because I wanted to convey the old style of communication of pen to paper and an outflow of feelings and thoughts.
An excerpt:
Letter 1
Coming before you
“Beloved,
With deep reverence for the dance of our souls, I come before you, baring my heart in the rawness of truth. This could be the hardest thing for me to do – but I know I must. I have you in my mind as often as there is air to breathe.”
Understanding the divide: Why men and women struggle to connect
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my years as a therapist, it’s this: Most relationship struggles aren’t about love; they’re about misunderstanding.
Men and women often speak different emotional languages. Women express their needs, but men hear criticism. Men withdraw, but women interpret it as rejection. The cycle repeats until two people who once loved each other deeply feel like strangers.
A woman might say, “I need you to be present,” but a man might think, “I’m here, aren’t I?” What she truly means is: I need you to see me, to feel me, to understand me beyond my words.
Likewise, a man might say, “I feel like I can’t make you happy,” and a woman might hear that as “I’m giving up on us.” But what he means is: I feel as if, no matter what I do, it’s not enough and that makes me afraid of failing you.
When we start to translate each other’s unspoken words, everything shifts. When we understand that we speak in words but create feelings and emotions by what picture those words create in our minds, we can start to see the same picture.
What women wish men knew about love
There are three things every woman needs in love:
- Emotional safety – She needs to know that when she opens her heart, it won’t be met with indifference. She doesn’t want you to solve her problems; she wants you to witness her, to be a steady presence in the storm.
- Depth over surface – Love isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about consistency. She doesn’t just want flowers on her birthday; she wants you to notice when she’s had a hard day and hold her without asking what’s wrong.
- A man who leads with his heart – Strength isn’t about control; it’s about presence. The strongest men aren’t the loudest, the richest, or the most dominant – they’re the ones who are willing to be vulnerable, who stand in their truth without fear and who create space for their woman to be fully herself.
What men wish women knew about love
On the other side, men are often misunderstood too. What do they long for in a relationship?
- To be trusted – A man thrives when he feels his woman believes in him. Not just in his ability to provide, but in his vision, his strength and his ability to lead.
- To be respected, not controlled – A man needs to feel he is valued for who he is, not who a woman wants him to become. He will rise for a woman who inspires him, but he will shut down if he feels micromanaged.
- To feel desired – Women aren’t the only ones who want romance. A man also wants to feel his presence is exciting, his woman still looks at him with admiration, even after years together.
The power of healing together
Love isn’t about finding the perfect partner; it’s about becoming the partner your perfect person would be drawn to. It’s about doing the inner work to heal the wounds that keep love at a distance.
For women, this might mean learning to soften, to trust again and to allow space for a man to step up. For men, it means learning to be present, to listen deeply and to lead from the heart rather than the ego.
We all carry wounds from our past – some from childhood, some from past relationships. But the most beautiful relationships aren’t those without wounds; they’re the ones where both partners are willing to heal together.
My message to you
Whether you’re a woman longing for a deeper connection with a man or a man searching for a way to love more fully, my message is this: Love is not a mystery to be solved; it is a presence to be felt.
Commit to understanding your partner beyond their words if you’re in a relationship. If you’re single, commit to becoming the kind of person who attracts love naturally – not by chasing it, but by embodying it.
Letters to Her is not just a book; it’s an invitation. An invitation to heal, understand and create love that lasts.
And if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s this: Love, in its truest form, is always worth the effort.
https://www.facebook.com/unboundcoaching/ email: hello@drneaves.com
