The very first time I went into Darkness, it was to meditate. I sealed off the door of my windowless pantry behind the kitchen. I switched off the light with my eyes closed and waited for the light memory in my eyes to fade. Then I opened my eyes to the Darkness. In that instant, I knew myself. There was no inside or outside, no ‘me’ being in the Darkness – just immediate, primordial wisdom: Still, vast, familiar. It was home. I was home.
Needless to say, I was hooked. I began planning for the time when my children would leave home and I’d be free to spend extended time in Darkness.
As life would have it, the last of my children finished high school just as Covid began. Somehow life conspired to get me to Europe and to a retreat centre where Darkness Retreat is a way of life. I was scheduled for 10 days in Darkness in November 2021. My longing was to spend that time in paradise with the Divine Beloved/Source – and I did. The Beloved met me in my passion and the experience was transformative and life-affirming. It also transformed my understanding of Source, as St Francis said: “The one you are looking for is the one who is looking.” I often describe it as five years of personal growth in 10 days. The scattered stars of my life experiences formed constellations. Where there had been confusion and dis-ease, wisdom, meaning and love emerged. Just recently, a client at Darkness Retreat Africa said much the same about her five-day experience.
The following year, Darkness Retreat Africa was born. My spiritual path didn’t begin – or end – in the Darkness in France. It began four decades earlier and has included its own dark nights. A surrender to both light and dark became the hallmark of my way. I’ve come to believe we can only hold the light to the extent that we’ve befriended our own darkness.
Stepping into physical darkness for 10 days did bring fear. About a month before my retreat, I was suddenly confronted by the spectre of madness: What if the darkness takes my sanity? Everyone who comes to Darkness Retreat brings their own version of that question. For some, it’s mild and manageable. For others, it’s intense. Many have had frightening experiences – often as children – and the darkness itself becomes the enemy.
But that’s not truth. Darkness is neutral – a womb, a tomb, a labyrinth. A place to let go, to grow and to discover or create a new path. As contemplative teacher Andrew Holecek describes, it is ‘a metaphysical mirror’, reflecting not just what’s inside you, but what you project into it.
In three years of running Darkness Retreat Africa, I’ve seen the Darkness meet people exactly where they are. Healers, leaders and seasoned seekers often describe it as the most profound experience of their lives. Some return regularly, saying the clarity and restoration they receive is beyond compare.
And sometimes, someone comes who’s never meditated. This is a great honour. The Darkness meets their trust with gentleness, insight, peace and renewed aliveness.
Whatever your need or uncertainty, you are welcome here. I will tend to your comfort and care. The Darkness will tend to your soul.
Come. Be still. Begin again.
“Darkness itself is neutral. But what you project into it isn’t. You’re literally forced to own up to your projections. And when that happens, the tomb becomes a womb.”
Contemplative and Author Andrew Holecek
