I’m curious; ‘How can we parent, keeping the earth in mind?’ ‘What does nature and the earth teach us about how to parent?’
After nearly 30 years as a psychologist, I completed another masters in 2012, in holistic ecology, a subject that examined complex adaptive systems and our place in the greater ecology. It awakened in me not only a deeper knowledge of our planet, my home, being within the web of life, but also my awe of and gratitude for all that is of nature. I discovered that wisdom means listening within, to a more refined or higher consciousness. From an inner stillness, I listen closely to an evolutionary impulse that flows easily through the natural world. There is an intelligence and a guidance when we engage with nature’s rhythms and cycles. In all the times I was counselling people indoors and running workshops for thousands of parents in cold classrooms, I was actively seeking personal time in nature to resource myself. For me the wild is not about danger, it is rather about feeling a part of the life that formed from almost 2.4 billion years of adaptation and growth. Nature is our teacher and our ally and we need to listen to the lessons we are being taught. Living systems can give us the key to how to parent – illuminating ways for us to do so that are meaningful and valid, no matter what age, gender, background, interests, capabilities or temperament of the children we parent.
I believe that bringing nature closer into our homes is pretty straightforward, if one follows these three ways:
- Running sustainable or ‘green’ homes, engaging our children in simple practices that uphold ecological value – recycling, composting, using bio-friendly cleaning products, planting pots or our garden with healthy vegetables and herbs and so on.
- Finding a local environmental cause that’s easy for teenagers to engage in, like picking up plastic from oceans, cleaning up trails, clearing aliens, planting gardens that attract birds and bees or supporting animal projects.
- Spending more time outdoors, hiking or camping or generally encouraging our teens in sports that take them onto the earth, into the sea or up mountains.
For me there is a fourth route, which could have the biggest impact and alter the way future generations live. It points to raising our consciousness and widening our perspective. I think it can help inform parents today and lessen their anxieties.
How do we parent as a living system? How do we learn to parent from nature’s principles? And mostly, can we let the rhythms of nature inform us about what our children’s lives need?
- This fourth way changes how we think about our place in the world, enabling us to develop values and beliefs that are in synch with or come from nature’s wisdoms. We have sculpted a transactional world that ignorantly exploits nature’s resources and objectifies the wilderness as a utility. It’s always about what we can ‘get’ or how we benefit. Yet, how to follow nature’s lead? The simplistic answer is to examine how animals’ parent. There are many clear examples of tough love and strict rules in the wild – lionesses who train their cubs using growls, tail flicks and hard wallops and bites. We would use the word instinctual or fierce survival-parenting here. There are genetically inbred cues that all mammals obey. Generally, though, parents in the wilds appear to use a ‘top-down approach’ and this was not the practical example that I was searching for.
As parents we want the ‘good life’ for them – but what is this? Image, status, fabulous holiday destinations… often seem a priority. Yet, stress, anxiety and poor mental health are showing up in buckets! Maybe we need what matters the most. The basics: The happiness in our homes.
I believe that, by improving a family’s connection and commitment to nature, all the necessary bio-psycho-social aspects can be addressed at the same time. By this I mean physical health, mental wellness, empathy and pro-social behaviours – all proven to improve with increased immersion in nature. There is an urgent need for parents to help children and teens reconnect to nature as a way of healing, of reconnecting to the values that will help our planet recover from its endangered position. As parents we need an ‘ecosophy’ that promotes a way of being in the world that minimises harm to nature while enhancing feelings of awe, wonder and belonging and, in so doing, to align homes with the mother of all homes, Gaia. In his book Nature Principle, Richard Louv says it is necessary for every aspect of being human – from our senses, intellect, bodies, emotional, mental and spiritual development – as well as for strengthening our bonds to others and all living creatures. There is a growing awareness that a child’s or teen’s access to nature is not a luxury but a necessity for health and mental wellbeing. Numerous psychological studies have confirmed that ‘indoor childhoods’ are causing psychological and health problems. In his book, Beyond Ecophobia, David Sobel suggests that children today associate nature with danger and apocalypse. We no longer let our young teens explore, we demand no mess and we emphasise the dangers of spiders and snakes, of falling out of trees, or of getting lost.
Living systems
An ecosystem is an example of a living system. It is always in dynamic relationship with all its parts. Biology tells us that ecosystems have a reciprocal and an adaptive relationship with their niche.. Your teenager’s niche may be school and home and it constantly influences him. He may be influenced by a relationship with a sibling and by the values of the school he attends and both may impact on his character and behaviour. He, in turn, adapts to his niche but he also influences it. As parents we like to look for blame or the cause of a problem yet, with this view, there is no real cause but rather a series of interactions that have no real beginning or end. This view asks us to listen more, understand more and have a much wider view. We did not create our children; it happened naturally in line with the principles of evolution.
Let’s look at ways to apply these unifying principles to what shows up in our homes and families. Everything in relationship. Nature, the largest living system, is all about co-operating and networking in constant reciprocity. There are no strict separations – there may be boundaries, like the bark on a trunk of a tree, but most are permeable. It is very difficult to find one thing in nature that actually operates completely separately. The smallest flower relies on the system in which it is nested. There is a constant interconnection, communication and resource-sharing on so many levels. For instance, the forest canopy with its birds; the mid-level of a forest with its bugs; the soil with scurrying life and microscopic life – and all of it is combined with every element – air, water, earth and fire – in a non-wasteful system where every leaf or piece of bark is reused for the benefit of all. The forest is a beautiful system of co-operation with its own communication system, ensuring that it is abundant, giving and non-wasteful.
The more families I observe, the more I realise that we need a philosophy about parenting that upholds the need to synchronise our approach, like an ecosystem. From this ecosophy parents create a foundation within which a technique or a rule can be tried out. This means a boundary is not just imposed on a teen in a top-down way. It means there are networks and relationships that he already trusts, that offer him a safe holding space, before there is disciplining or individual-skill building. If we have a conscious and responsive approach to parenting, boundaries can more easily be negotiated and applied when needed. We can pick them up and let them go again. The teen’s voice or reaction could also form an important part of the feedback loop. If we could trust that there is a deeper wisdom available to guide us, we could be less fearful and allow a more fluid movement, for instance, between the values and ethics of your family and another family – between schools and different communities and between different ethnic groups. It is the fear of the unknown that drives us towards needing control through rigid and strict rules and prejudice. Families can acknowledge that interdependence and interconnectedness are healthy (including teens’ social networks) and open to it more.
New generations have fresh eyes for the world and parents can make room to discover things through teen eyes. Many homes operate according to a submission/dominance pattern. Children must be trained to obey the adults. Yet few relationships in nature are completely hierarchical or competitive, even though we like to believe in the outdated idea of ‘survival of the fittest’. The reward/punishment system or the submission/dominance style could be replaced by a growth mentality and be more relationship-focused, looking for interconnections. In this way disruptions become processes of growth and learning, fostering the most productive or the best bonding times. In this way we develop strength of character. Parents can aim to provide a reservoir of wisdom, where children are given more leeway to experiment within certain ethical and moral boundaries. It’s the classic ‘firm yet fair’ approach – yet it’s not hierarchical in the sense that only parents have all the answers. It is not about letting go of all boundaries but instead inviting a social field of trust and growth as a priority; followed by embracing development and dynamic change as normal; as opposed to everything being top-down, isolated, separate and disconnected.
If you look around you in a forest, for example, you will see plants, algae, animals, fungi, the undergrowth, soil, leaves – all forming different types of relationships with one another. And what we discover in living systems is that the more participants, the more relationships and the more resilient that ecosystem becomes.
Natural systems are resilient. Resilience is the ability to ‘bounce back’, the ability to adapt, the ability to continue to grow and develop even in complex circumstances. Nature uses ‘diversity, redundancy, decentralisation and self-renewal and self-repair to foster resiliency’, according to biomimicry. This resilience of nature depends hugely on diversity in each system, so that, during a disturbance, only some loss occurs but at the same time there is self-repair. In our own families we can welcome the diversities and the numerous relationship types that occur in a school or a community and learn from them, as opposed to shutting them out because they are unfamiliar. The more difference there is, the more growth and vibrancy there is. Life is vibrant, dynamic and full of difference and therefore resilient. Following the lead of nature, we become more open to different events, friends and activities. Adopting the view that ‘this too will pass’ or ‘everything in its own time’ allows our teens to befriend different cultures or religions; we as parents can also be less judgmental and open to exploration. The questions then become: ‘What are we learning from these relationships? What do you enjoy and celebrate here? Do you find this relationship uplifting?’ This is very different to saying: ‘I don’t trust that friend of yours. I don’t want her in our house!’ Asking questions born of curiosity and interest as opposed to shutting down or out does not mean you need to change your own values or boundaries. There is still room for: ‘We have Sunday lunches together, even if your friend doesn’t.’
We are not separate.
We’d do well to remind ourselves of how much we simply receive from being alive. For all the elements of air, water, earth and fire in so many forms, be grateful, soften and let go of holding on out of fear of lack. We often fear that there is only so much energy or achievement to go around and it can be depleted or someone can take it away; yet this is not in line with nature and, therefore, from this viewpoint is not true. It is our belief system that has created this fear of scarcity and we instil this fear in our children. As parents we can teach our teens ways to resource themselves. If they tend to be hyperactive and fixated in one direction and expend all their energy at once, we can teach them about inner resourcing or self-soothing, like spending a little time alone, walking out in nature, lying in the sun for a while just to regenerate the system. We can help teens to understand that their mind, emotions and body all are created as one entity; how we treat the one will affect the other.
Megan de Beyer, MA (Psychology), MSc (Holistic Ecology) is an international Psychologist and group facilitator. She has facilitated many successful and well-subscribed Mothers and Sons courses at most Independent boys’ school in South Africa. She has been invited to run parent courses in California, Australia and UK on numerous occasions; as well as presenting at conferences on parenting. She is the author of “How to Raise a Man – a modern mother’s guide to parenting her teenage son” published by Penguin. An eBook is available.
Megan runs wellness & mindfulness retreats in Cape Town, and presently works throughout Africa in mental health for the Singita Safari Company. Overall, Megan’s conscious living philosophy is the foundation of her healing work. She exemplifies three fundamental pillars of healing – radical tenderness, passionate kindness, and extreme peace. More info: Megandebeyer.com @megandebeyer
PARENTING AS A LIVING SYSTEM PART 2 will be published in our Winter Edition which is also our 250th commemorative edition, nan article not to be missed.
Megan will be a speaker at the KwazuluSpirit Conscious Parenting Indaba 25 July, at the Salt Rock Hotel on the KZN North Coast.
www.kwazuluspirit.com tickets:
https://kwazuluspirit.howler.co.za
