Part Two with Megan de Beyer
In Part One of this series, Megan de Beyer outlined her ideas on basing parenting philosophy on the collaborative principle that one finds throughout nature.
The way nature manages these flows is by a system called a feedback loop. A positive feedback increases change, eg, ocean temperature influences the temperature of the air and hence its capacity to hold moisture, which leads to more rain. A negative feedback loop reduces change. When a living system receives certain information from one sector it is able to adapt and respond to it with feedback loops and stay in sync with ever-changing conditions. But the key here is responding to the feedback loops in an effective way. In families, feedback loops that lead to a good growth are essential. We need to accept change will happen, be open to it and begin to accept feedback loops. So we look out for change bringing more nourishment, more intelligence, more abundance as opposed to being surprised or scared of change where it becomes disruptive. A teenager will bring a different value system and when he does something that we consider wrong, it is an opportunity, not a mistake. The whole family system can adjust slightly to make allowances. For example, your teenager might particularly love music and may play it too loudly. Is that always going to be ruled out in a family, or will the family find a way of creating music zones or buy earphones so that he can enjoy his choice? There is now a positive feedback loop that the family learns from. Sometimes negative feedback loops are necessary to calm things down. If a teen is too rebellious, we put measures in place to restore equilibrium. The most important lesson here is to be flexible and ready for change.
The idea of emergence in nature is slightly more complex. Fritjof Capra noted that the creativity of life expresses itself through the process of emergence. This is how different relationships and various aspects of a system come together to create something new. There is no focus on outcome, it is organic. Simply put: the connections cause something new to happen and sometimes it’s not certain what that new thing will be. Water and hydrogen create air – that is an unexpected outcome. In a forest some trees die and fall to the ground. and from that death and changed relationship with the soil, the sunlight and the water, a new growth occurs, like grass or flowers. The grass and the flowers attract bees or a little buck, bringing new life via pollination or from seeds in the faeces of the buck. All these emergent features evolved as a result of a tree falling down and dying. Meanwhile studies of creativity are showing us that things like procrastination, things like reading more widely, things like doodling, drawing, creating images or working with clay, can actually have a huge impact on a child’s thought process for a science project. Going outside into the mountains and taking a walk have sometimes brought the greatest break-throughs in creativity and thinking. And yet this is an activity that seems at odds with something that we have to get done. What is the fertile soil that allows creativity to emerge? Creativity is one of the most powerful forces that a teenager has. It arises by his recognising that there needs to be an opening to different things, different ways of doing and different ways of knowing.
Simple steps that are repeated until a more complex order emerges
In nature there are very clear building blocks and often a few simple laws operate over and over. Birds can fly in formation and fish in massive synchronised swarms because of a very simple rule – watch the one bird or fish next to you. Or take a termite mound. It appears terribly chaotic yet computer simulators and models have shown that stopping, starting and meeting actually optimises the time usage and energy of these ants in such a way that they are not depleted and the optimal job is done in what seems to be a disorganised place. A certain amount of focus and control happens, yet there is freedom for self-organisation where patterns are given a chance simply to arise. This paradox creates harmony. Different instruments playing a different note, different tones yet in the right place, all come together in a pattern that creates harmony, beauty and melody. This stands opposed to fear, shutting down, clamping down, or enforcing strict boundaries that do not necessarily lead to a positive outcome.
If we really take on board that life is changeable and dynamic and unpredictable, that things happen in cyclical phases and sometimes there’s growth, sometimes there’s withdrawal, sometimes there’s apparent chaos, sometimes there’s a giving or a sacrifice, then we develop a natural maturity that is supported by the web of life. This allows flow and synchronicity to happen that is deeply affirming and satisfying. In this way, just when you feel like all has failed, there’s new growth and transformation. We can bring this attitude into our family, which means slowing down, observing more and having the patience to see a natural wisdom. These evolutionary processes attune us more closely to the new generation. We no longer see right and wrong, but a growth opportunity. What have we learnt? Did we need to amp up, adapt, make room or simmer things down? Which values were switched on and how attuned were we to the larger whole? Can we do it differently in future? How do we move forward from this? This encourages engagement, meaning, creative thought and purpose, mental wellness and nature connection. Another great lesson is the research revealing that children who are completely disconnected from nature find it difficult to develop empathy and compassionate ways of living, while those teenagers who were brought up close to nature find it easy to move into a more empathic way of living. This outcome is especially evident where respect for nature is encouraged in the home.
I like the term ‘human nature’ because it brings together the idea of being human and of nature which brings recognition to human character and our continuous link to the natural processes around us. To be human speaks about our connection to the collective human race. Nature, after all, is that collection of living systems operating together. Our old view of human behaviour was that we were partly controlled by genes and partly controlled by environment, but the latest genetic research is showing us the complex reciprosity in which the human operates. Relooking at the nature versus nurture debate says nature is forever in process and co-evolving and we cannot separate environment from biology. Furthermore, the metaphysical, the energetic and mental beliefs all impact on every aspect of being human.
Indigenous wisdoms
The shamanic ways and ancient wisdoms from early tribal systems have been preserved over time and help us understand a different way of living in and with nature. To shamans, all of nature is animate, conscious or expressive of a soul and spirit. In our modern civilised lifestyles, we have lost this way of knowing and in so doing we easily miss the magic of how nature communicates with us. We feel disconnected or separate from the wild and for the most part we don’t revere or honour nature as sacred. Native American Indians believed that Great Spirit was the unifying force that flowed through everything – whether it be flowers, wind, rocks, birds, animals – and that all of us are kindred spirits within this whole. This approach helps us to come into harmony or the ‘right relationship’ with the environment and it can also bring a greater sense of belonging. Vandana Shiva, an Indian ecological activist, says: “Human society prospers best when it functions according to the principles that operate in the natural world.” She says that when society and families separate from the natural ways, we gravitate towards ownership, control and power over other living things.
My experience is that many parents who live a busy urban life reduce their role to a sense of duty, seeking control over and criticising their teens. They fail to see adolescence as an evolutionary impulse just as powerful as the metamorphosis of a caterpillar to a butterfly. They miss the magic… Dr Shiva tells us that the creativity, coherence and natural cycles of a holistic worldview is incorporated into Buddhism. The eastern non-duality practices have taught me how to live in the present, to pay attention to detail and to be informed by a love of all of life. This approach shows me that the future will look after itself.
Co-evolving and energetic systems
Our human existence is not static; it is forever co-evolving. In a home there are multiple interconnecting parts, such as upbringing, the personality of the parents, temperament, attachment bonds, biology, hormones, ambience, weather, genes, type of foods eaten and more: These are intermingling forces creating an outcome called the family ethos. Both Peter Senge, in his book Presence and Otto Scharmer, in his ‘Theory U’ approach, say that we see the world not as it is, but as who we are. If we want to see things change out there in the world, we first need to change inside ourselves. Scharmer suggests that we turn the telescope around from always pointing ‘out there’ and turn it inwards instead, towards our own hearts, thoughts and feelings. In my view, parents need to teach, coach and empower their teens and inspire a sense of purpose. Families could work together as a team in a life-sustaining way. This does not mean progress at all cost. Parents can lead by example, creating an environment that offers excitement about learning and growing, as opposed to one in which discipline is the main focus.
Relationships
Human relationships can look to nature for different forms: A win/lose relationship, where only one party benefits; commensalism, which is a win/neutral, where one gains and the other is more or less neutral; or mutualism, which is a win/win, where both benefit. Families that have strong values of co-operation, teamwork, trust and sharing can take the knocks of life and accept failures, provided they stand together. When a family operates under incredibly strict rules and there is no flexibility or allowance made for different individual values, a child’s development can be impeded. By contrast, a close-knit team that accepts different strengths and different weaknesses living side by side will enjoy the benefit: Resilience in the system. Nature is beautifully interconnected and interdependent. A family can follow this example by acknowledging its interdependence and interconnectedness on many levels. There are times when there is a lot of energy and there are times when there is low energy; there are times when you do things together and there are times when you do things separately; there are times when there may be conflict and there are times when there can be love. We need not be scared of these dynamic cycles, being conscious. So, the ideal is to have a family whose ethos is based on a shared purpose, calling upon the highest values and the core principles of a good life. This is a conscious family. The more conscious parents are, the more they recognise that individuality is important – and that it’s not destructive for the family. Guidance becomes more important than discipline; shared values are more important than rules. Change is seen as an opportunity for dialogue, conversation and growth. People who recognise the need for growth, networking and togetherness also understand that change, difficulties, stress and making mistakes all lead to growth and discovery. Also, a conscious family recognises that they operate as a whole and different parts of the systems affect the others.
Belonging
From the moment of our birth we search and yearn for our belonging. Some of us arrive in families where a secure attachment and an emotional and soul home is found, settling us in to a comfortable place of belonging. For many people, as they grow, the home does not feel quite right and there is a search for a partner or one’s own home to settle the dis-ease of not completely belonging. ‘Stand still. The trees ahead and the bushes beside you are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here… The forest breathes, Listen. It answers, I have made this place around you. If what a tree or branch does is lost on you, Then you are surely lost.’ These are words from a poem by David Wagner and they remind me that my deepest sense of belonging has always been within nature or with animals and it is here that I feel a part of the unfolding mystery of life. It has occurred to me over and over that relating on a deep ecological level feels as sacred to me as any spiritual practice. I’m aware that as a human I emerged from the earth; Mary Oliver in her poem Wild Geese says that the wild geese who fly overhead keep announcing her place in the family of things and she says: ‘You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves…’. I spend many hours advising mothers and during these times I draw on the energy of the greatest mother of all, Mother Earth.
When uncertainty pulls me into panic and parents helplessly ask me what to advise their teenagers about how to be or what to plan for, the answers are no longer as simple as achievement, competency and success at all costs. My heart tells me that we should turn from What to do? towards ‘How to be’. It is who we are in times of stress that will have the greatest influence on our homes. We should ask: What informs your parenting? What are the qualities and the values that you stand on? Who are you and where do you belong? Nature’s wisdoms have the answers.
Maybe any disruption is an opportunity for growth and change, it’s a wake-up call to families really to discover what is essential. As parents we can commit to creating a sanctuary by building a home that honours emotional bonding and authentic relationship; where co-operation, acceptance, patience, understanding, trust and love are central. Making a mistake is a creative opportunity for ALL to grow. In such a home children are seen and validated as a vital part of the home team. To belong is sacrosanct.
Stand still at dusk and breathe in the stillness as the day adjusts to the darkness; watch a mountain range darken to dusky blue, to purple, to black and listen to the night sounds of transition. To feel a pocket of warmth in the air. All this takes skin sense. Start here. The gift we can make. As a parent, I believe that the greatest gift we can give our children is to draw from the wisdom of nature, allowing its systems, rhythms and energy to inform our approach to them and to the home. We invite in an ecological self and embolden ecological relating as an essential element of maturation. It means that we replace traditional ways of child-rearing with an ecological intelligence: Ensuring that the ways we live, conduct ourselves, treat others and inhabit our environment is for growth and belonging.
