Cresting the hill on Springfield Road nose downward into town on a summer weekday was the moment my life instantly changed. Funny how those pivotal moments take us back to where we were, what we were wearing, the weather, the smells, the sounds, such is the imprint in our brains. It was 2010, the year South Africa hosted the FIFA World Cup and the year my family dynamic began to truly shift. I was already studying conscious parenting but after hearing this, I started the greatest experiment of my life.
In my research to find equilibrium, flow and joy on the home front, I was listening to a parenting summit in my car. I had been driven to do so through my Enneagram 5 personality construct of needing to know, to understand and master the areas that matter most in my life. Parenting mattered. I felt I was flailing and failing. I could not understand how I had flow out in the world; my friendships were healthy and abundant, my career was satisfying and successful; I felt like I had myself together in most areas of my life but in my own kitchen, it was a dog-show. I was reactive, emotional and sometimes unhinged as a parent. I was easily triggered and (no surprises to those who know me) I had given birth to strong-willed children, but who had highly sensitive nervous systems and consequently were reactive, demanding and volatile. Home life was messy, to say the least.
It was Dr Laura Markham to whom I was listening on that significant day. She uttered these simple words: “Parenting is a relationship, it is not a hierarchy or model of authoritarianism or control – it is a relationship.” Bam! I could feel my brain exploding with insight and realisation and my heart expanding within that simple truth. I wasn’t here to control my kids. This wasn’t about obedience, this was about relationship. Fast forward to 2025; my kids are 21 and 16 and my great experiment – the one that attracted judgment and criticism from those married to the traditional western parenting paradigm – has worked. My relationship with my kids is beautiful, cherished, open, connected, loving, respectful and kind. We see each other. We support each other and my kids know they are emotionally, mentally and physically safe with me. We have traversed a landscape of struggle during the 15 years since my epiphany. Within my home there is neuro-diversity, anxiety and ADHD. We have walked together through depression, acute and chronic illnesses and school refusal, alongside the usual challenges that come with parenting. Heart-led parenting through relationship has not been as smooth or easy as the name might imply, but we did it, and within a short space of time I started coaching and mentoring other parents in conscious, heart-led parenting with incredible results.
My work since then has been about making conscious parenting through relationship accessible to parents. People need granularity. It is amazing to explore the what of conscious parenting, but the how is another matter altogether. And it doesn’t begin with a focus on the relationship, it begins with the focus on us, the parents. Running parenting workshops over the years, it consistently fascinates me to witness parents experiencing this ‘aha’ moment, by around module 2 of the programme, when they see the work is not about fixing or controlling their children, it is rather about them, the parents. As parents, knowing ourselves, our personalities, our hidden beliefs, our past imprint, our triggers, our emotional landscape, our stress responses and our values, is fundamental to knowing why and how we show up at home as we do. It requires a willingness to introspect, to seek understanding and to be willing to do the work. The aspirational state is one where we are deeply conscious of parenting the child in front of us, rather than parenting as puppets to our unconscious mental and emotional models, or to societal expectations. With this awareness, we learn to respond rather than react and we learn to regulate emotionally and mentally, in order to be that which our children most need us to be.
I am not talking about perfect parenting. Perfection is not aspirational and it is a disservice to our children. Rather, we model intention and embrace imperfection. We model forgiveness and grace. We model accountability and responsibility. My grace to myself was to be a great and intentional parent for 80 per cent of the time and to give myself the latitude to be human and imperfect for 20 per cent of the time. This 80:20 rule has been liberating for me and my clients.
Parenting through relationship is not permissive or laissez-faire, despite some common concerns or perceptions. Boundaries that are necessary are put in place firmly but kindly. Areas of conflict are collaborated on. Yes, I said collaborated. As parents we are leaders, but we are not dictators. When there are non-negotiables, we put them forward as such with good, valid reasons and we ensure there is understanding. When children feel that they have some agency in the home, they don’t need to push against the boundaries so hard. When children do test boundaries, or make mistakes, they are not treated as terrorists committing unspeakable offences. They are related to as growing and developing humans who are expected to mess up. It is their right to make mistakes. It is our responsibility to help them course-correct, but the blame and shame game is passé. Much learning and understanding can be carried over the line through a discussion, through collaborative and creative problem solving and gentle stewarding. We need only look at the punitive model in society to see that it is not an effective deterrent of crime nor, with the rates of recidivism, effective in preventing repeat misdemeanors.
When children feel seen, heard and respected they learn to reach for this bar in return. When we as parents are rooted strong like an oak tree, we provide shade when they need it, a place to play and explore and an unshakable, unconditional presence. As I circle back to step one of this journey, I must share with you that this takes not only a deep commitment and a clear intention, but mostly it takes a level of self-love, self-compassion and self-respect; for us to continually want to do better. For me, heart-led parenting through relationship brought me home to myself; to someone I could live with and to someone I could love. It brought me home to my marriage. It now informs every area of my life where I practise seeing, loving and conscious intent. From a place deep within my heart, I thank my children for liberating me.
21 years ago Colleen became a mum. Her own challenges and experiences, enabled her to hone her focus on highly sensitive, high needs kids. Her unique approach is a science meets spirituality, heart-led approach to conscious parenting, looking through the lens of the nervous system.
Colleen will be a speaker at the KwazuluSpirit Conscious Parenting Indaba 25 July, at the Salt Rock Hotel on the KZN North Coast. www.kwazuluspirit.com tickets: https://kwazuluspirit.howler.co.za
